march of the penguins

never ever watch that documentary right after watching X-3.

there’s a young couple, the female tries to pass on the egg to the obviously callow and green male, who misses, and they watch in what can only be horror as the artic wind freezes it before thier eyes.

all the males are huddled together in one giant mass trying to shelter in the freezing artic wind, having to constantly move or die. they hunch in the cold, and morgan freeman tells you of how each of them take turns to be in the middle of the pack where it is the warmest. some – the older ones – don’t make it. the get caught in the isolated edges of the pack, drop from starvation and hunger, can no longer hang on to the eggs they are supposed to be keeping warm and they fall – covered in minutes in snow and ice as they fade away.
such is the life of men. starting off in stupidity and idiocy that costs lives, and then moving on to heroism and tragedy – noble to the last one of them.

Sunday, July 09, 2006 6:28:16 PM

Dear Z

I feel betrayed.

Every time you do something horrific like forwarding that stupid video to the world I feel betrayed. And disappointed. How can the man I’m marrying not understand these basic tenets of human existence? Is it because it’s never happened to you? Rumors in a schoolyard? “harmless” gossip circulated maliciously by pathetic brainless pricks like you? You perpetuate this injustice that exists in this world. I’ve always known that there are those people who Know, and those that Don’t. The Knowers clearly outweigh the Don’ters, and I guess probability was against me marrying a Don’ter. But I can’t help but be disappointed over the constant reminders of it.

How can you fuel stupid rumors and circulate criminally stupid videos? how? How can you live with yourself, how can you shut down your mind and cocoon yourself to reality? How can you not think things through and understand the greater impact of your actions? Would you have voted for Bush had you had that right?

We have no mental connection.

Sometimes I feel that all the reasons I had for sticking with this were stupid and sentimental and won’t survive the long run. But it’s too late now. I’m scared that everyone is like this, that everyone will have major chunks of expectation missing from them, and that you’re the best one out there (at least we have what we have – which is pretty significant). I’m also scared because I’ve only seen mental connections survive the long run. Physical ones fizzle and die soon. Is this what we’re in for?

Where’s that great connection we had? Where’s that great earth shattering soul searching love we shared that made everything ok?

Sunday, July 02, 2006 6:06:57 PM

Dear Z,

I’ve felt so close to you the last two days. I’ve missed you horribly, and I think the only way my mind copes with the longing is to pretend you’re there. I can feel you lie next to me in bed; I can feel you snuggle up to me in the covers, keeping me warm from the cold outside. You sit with me when I’m lounging on the sofa, you’re somewhere behind me in the room when I type this. I guess I’ve gone a little crazy.

Even crazier, is how I can feel you missing me sometimes. I can feel you lean in and give me a kiss. Maybe our mental pictures merge at some cosmic plain? God being kind to His servants by letting us meet at some miraculous level, because sometimes I think only He can understand this terrible yearning of distance with the promise of impending union.

I had yet another fight with you right now. I don’t know who’s wrong or who’s right or how we’ll break the same old pattern. How our love only seems to guide the knife we plunge into each others throats a little deeper, dulling our self defense system only enough for us to bleed afresh with each gaping wound we gouge in each other. Why do we do it?

I want to call you so badly. But it’s because I gave into the craving to hear your voice that led to our fight. I know, I just know, it’s like last time and you get irritated when I call. I know I do when you do it too much. It’s stupid and clingy of me, and yet I can’t help myself. I have nothing to do, no life, I’m stuck in limbo for six months with nothing to cling to but you, and I hate you for it. I hate this time of shadows and wastage. I hate that I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, and what I’m supposed to do or how I’m supposed to do it.

I hate the Pepsi man. I still wish he died some horrible death somehow, and regrets the terrible life he’s lead. I simultaneously wish I wouldn’t wish that though, because it’s stupid to think like that. When did rationality come into the mind of a woman scorn’d?