Dear Z
God i hate you. i want to leave you and never see your stupid pathetic fat lying face again. You destroy any happiness or goodwill I might have. You seem to sense when life is going good for me, and then purposely swoop in and kill the notion.
How many times have I greeted you at the door, thrown my arms around you, kissed you and asked you if you wanted your (fucking undeserving) dinner? How many times have you been completely unappreciative, completely ruthlessly stripped all notions of security or goodwill I have shored up during the day with one carefully chosen word? Every time if not more?
I hate you so much it leaves me speechless. I am trapped, unable to communicate my suffocating hell to anyone. You who can barely read or write somehow manage to communicate so well – turning each and every bastion of my support against me. Keeping them so far away that I cannot talk to them, cannot even begin to explain the horror of the life you have thrown at me.
How can my father want me to stay with you after you beat me? Is it like H who witnessed the furious aftermath where I left you and packed and was ready to go back to my parents – who weeks later asked me “so did he really hit you?”. How can I explain how those words from a loving protective adopted older brother killed me far more than your pathetic attempts at breaking me. Is that why no one is dragging me away in outraged fury? Is that why everyone passes this off as a first year lovers spat of two spoilt adolescents thrown into marriage? No one believes that someone they know can actually slap his wife till she falls, kick her on the ground, choke her till she can’t breathe (just like the movies) and loses her vision?
Or am I confusing this for the first time? When you beat me so badly in the first two weeks of our marriage that I couldn’t walk to the dinner the next day? That I found myself walking alone on the road in my pajamas at three a.m. because I think I lost my mind with my illusions of a happily ever after. And how you slept after beating me, happily dozing uncaring of the wife you swore to love and protect and all that bullshit walking with a nearly fractured mind barefoot in glass and sand trying to leave leave leave and with nowhere to go.
Can anyone believe that when I don’t believe it myself. Its happened three times in eight months. I’m not going to bother with all the neurosis that goes with being hit with hate – it is your weakness, your fault. You have not once apologized. Not once. Why do I expect you to be human? Because I can’t believe you can do this? If I can’t believe it how can anyone else? How can I explain it to them? How? How to I leave you before the person I was completely dies?
Archive for September, 2007
