Saturday night

Dear S

I am sorry too.

I was an ass. You were the most special thing to happen to me. I’m sorry I screwed up. I should have listened to you more, I should have taken more care of you. I should have been the friend you expected me to be. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m the dumb guy I am. I’m sorry I didn’t defend you or care for you as I had promised.

But honestly – I tried to the best of my dumb ability. I’m sorry it wasn’t enough. It was really frustrating for me to see you so obviously unhappy because of me. It was frustrating that my house and my servants weren’t good enough. It was frustrating that no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t make you as happy as you obviously are with your own family – or as happy as you used to be before we were married.

I’m sorry I did this to you. I’m sorry for all the fights and the way I handled them – I could have managed them better. I’m sorry I still feel therapy will not help us – you and I are just too different, and as much as we hoped this would work, we must realize that it is time to let go of that fantasy because its just not practical. I will never give you what you want – love, attention and maturity that is beyond my years. I cannot give you the impeccably run house, the dignity of speech, the loving caring side of my personality anymore because the unpleasantness of the last month was too much – I told my parents too much. I belittled you and bad mouthed you to them and my friends and my work people because I couldn’t stand to know that you would do the same – and be more right than me. Its gone beyond my control now. My family will never accept you again – now can I. but please know this – I loved you. I love you a little still – which is why I want to torture you as much as possible and some how prolong all contact with you while trying to prove I hate you. You were always smarter and better than me. You came from a background and upbringing that I envy – that I wished to give to my children. I am proud to have been with you for the time that we were. I am sorry things turned out this way – but we’ll bounce back. In another ten years I’ll marry again – and make sure she’s young and dumb and poorer than me this time . you’ll probably get married within this year to someone older and richer and cooler – from the right school and the right ivy league and the right set of friends and will take you to all the places I couldn’t. I want you to know that I wanted to. I wanted you and I believed everything could be perfect despite it all. I’m so sorry its not.

With all my love and my heart,

Z