Hey asshole,

so lets see.

i have had to shift cities 4 times in 2 years because of you. i gave up my job, my life, my family for you, only to be met with unwelcome hostility, lack of enthusiasm about starting our life together, entire nights within the first week of our marriage which you spent out with your friends without me, entire days where you ignored me because you wanted to play playstation. you then proceeded to beat me and alienate me from your family. there were also instances in the middle where you didn’t let me enter the room (as if you were an angst ridden teen and i was your mother) when your friends were in there because you didn’t want me around because “you guys couldn’t talk while i was there”

then of course you never gave me any money, even after you encouraged me to quit my job so i had no funds of my own. you spent all my savings, didn’t leave me money for even water or food, and spent entire days at work without a care in the world. then of course you got jealous when i took money from my parents and started socializing with my own friends. you broke my phone, dragged me out of the house in my pajamas and proceeded to beat me again.

and i still get back together with you! after i come back, you don’t bother apologizing for anything, your sister leaves me locked out of the house for 2 hours because she has “errands to run”, doesn’t let me use the driver to go the Emergency room when my foot is swollen to the size of a football, and then proceeds to bully me in every way from not letting me use my own groceries to not letting me use the kitchen fridge for my own food. and you defend her every step of the way, tell your parents a whole lot of private shit that you shouldn’t have, and then proceed to humiliate my parents by heaping my issues in front of them without consdering any of your injustices.

you agree to a separation, then proceed to cuddle with me and try to have sex with me the same night.

your sister steals my laptop and debit card and you say nothing.

you misplace your watch and call me a robber and a whore when i find it for you.

you lock up the house so i can’t get to the kitchen to pack my things, pull a gun out and shoot holes in my painting collection.

i have to tell all the people at work and my friends and move to a different city, start living with my parents, see a therapist, endure endless discussions on marriage and men, all without knowing if we are using this separation to get over each other or to try to find the best solution to work it out. all the while you ignore all my attempts to talk about where we are or what we’re supposed to do, telling me you hate me and are not interested in talking to me. you tell me “please don’t contact me again”, and whine and complain about me to my dad (“she’s sending me emails, tell her to stop”, “she’s writing about me in her blog, tell her to stop”, “she’s sms-ing me tell her to stop”)

then i have to eventually make a trip to Karachi, stay without a car or an ATM card at my poor sisters house, and then quit my job and move back.

then, two months later of “not being interested in reconciliation or therapy”, it dawns on your stupid selfish head that we’re still fucking married. you start sms-ing me, trying to discuss the situation (with a lot of childish rejoinders like “i hate you” “you’re still so annoying” thrown in) basically suddenly feeling the absense of having someone to talk to, and the only way you can contact me is by trying to be as hurtful as possible in some kind of sick way to talk to me, yet at the same time communicate your hate. then the brilliantly eloquent sms – saying something badly worded and totally misspelt to the tune of “i miss you in my bed”

THEN

the cherry on all this

you call me yesterday at 1:00 am, tell me you’re coming next week, and i need to drop everything because you, lord and master, has decided to grace this city with your presence. for work! not even for a trip here. you’ll basically are deigning to talk to me about the marriage .. and why? because “you don’t want a paper marriage. you hate me, you don’t want me near your family and you don’t think it will ever work out between us”.

so you want to have sex because you’re horny, and you can’t do it with me, so you need to start the divorce proceedings because you want to jump into another marriage.

ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY!?

IS THE WORLD FUCKING CRAZY!? WHY CAN’T THEY SEE YOU’RE INSANE?!?

late monday night

“I still hate you, but sometimes i rollover in bed thnkn your right next to me.” – 20/05/06 2:06 am

you’re eloquence leaves me speechless. is this what i fell so hard for?

*snort*

my head and my heart tell me different things too. i guess we’ll just have to deal with it

monday night

Dear M

opportunity knocks only once?

thank you for trying so hard to introduce me to your plethora of single boys. i’m sure they’re cute, i’m sure they’re rich. i don’t want to meet any of them.

i was in the lounge, and there was actually a cute man there. Nerdy, lap top carrying, intently working at 11:00 pm. Could anyone have been more tailor made to attract me? I ignored him. He tried talking across the freezing silence, and I didn’t bother even once. Got up because I was too cold to bother, and went and stood in line instead.

On the plane? My God. The First hot man i’ve seen since Z. and maybe K. oh and N. anyway. he was cute. wholesome, strapping, the kind that would go camping and know how to light fires and stuff. delicious delicious accent. and i was too busy yawning so hard my eyes got tears. i was so so sleepy, i was comatose. he read my newspaper, and i woke up in the middle and took the comics page, and tried to sleep write my way through the crossword.

did i try to strike up a nice conversation? did i even make the slightest effort? did i even care about the ocean on possibilities fate was throwing my way.

no.

why!? WHY!?

i know. you give up.

maybe after the d word is final?

Monday evening

To whom it may concern

Yes today was a bad day. a day that should have been busy but spiralled to oblivion. to darkness and tears and lost wandering. of contemplating a lovely warm bath pooled with lovey red droplets from slit wrists. of fear. fear and receeding to a place a boy recently went to.

we are all made of promises. broken verses, stilted requests, longings unyearned and desperately still wanted.

where do i go? what do i do? how can i go back to them when their time of taking care of me is over.

i miss them. badly. being emotionally dependant on my mother because i am unworthy of being dependant on myself. what good is that? being alone will just lead to nothingness.

i miss…. being there. being a part of two. having someone to lean into in the middle of the night despite their groaned protests. having someone lazier than i am do my stuff for me. being driven around. not having social anxiety. not having a single stigma.

why does everything always end in tears?