dear z,
the longer i stay away, the more i dread returning. what should i come back to? if we don’t like each other so much, why are we torturing ourselves? your nasty phone calls are such a tiny little trailer to the full blown all out 3D HD movie you put on when we’re together. you’re clearly happy without me. my yearnings to be away for months on end are a signal that something is deeply wrong when we’re together. even knowing that half my baby will always be with you, i feel like… i’m standing in a porch, a main door is open and i’m looking in. half my baby is inside, there’s a cot, nice decor, and you. i have no desire to be inside. how can I not want to have my baby whole? i wonder. what kind of person am i? i don’t care. i don’t want to go in. closing the door will block off my oxygen and suffocate me.
why don’t i feel this clearly when i’m inside?
